No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
Drake has all the answers
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
Randomize
