My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Randomize
