and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Randomize
