I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
is it bad if i hope guys are like edward cullen and can read my mind. i could be a whore in disguise.
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
Randomize
