dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
This is the prime rib incident all over again
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
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