I'm really into asian looking animals
If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Randomize
