I feel great
I just peed on a car
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
Randomize
