im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
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