You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
