Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Randomize
