I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
