When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
he high fived his dick after we had sex
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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