omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
Randomize
