There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
He's currently rapping every word to 'more money more problems' at what could be a over 30s gay bar. I'm not sure yet. More info to come.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
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