Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Randomize
