I cannot find my penis.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
So... i mean if they do have cameras in his apartment buildings pool room atleast we gave them a little show.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Randomize
