I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
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