I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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