3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
