no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
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