life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
Randomize
