The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
I am doing a scientific study and i need a brief description of the underpants you are wearing
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
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