well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
Randomize
