piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
