Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
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