man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
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