All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
Randomize
