I just spent the night with a bunch of indian guys and i wasn't attracted to a single one. Yeah i've officially become an anti-indian indian.
I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
Randomize
