I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Randomize
