I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
Randomize
