Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
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