I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
But break dance skills will only take you so far
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
I dont know. He's too private. After you fuck him find out his secrets.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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