Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Randomize
