Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
alright got my week's quota of sex in, ready for modern warfare 2
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
