theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
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