There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Randomize
