Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
Randomize
