After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
Turns out you're obligated under man law to share any passwords you may have for porno sites
Is that what they're teaching u at that bar review class?
I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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