he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
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