i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
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