She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Randomize
