she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
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