i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
Randomize
