Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
i kinda regret how quickly i gave it up to him, but i just wanted the regular fucking to begin soon. ah we made good memories.
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
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