Fine. I'll sleep in my office
she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
How bad was it?
You ran around telling everyone that you were going to click them to death on google earth
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
