Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
And the cops told us we were all naked.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
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