I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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