You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
