when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
Randomize
