the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Randomize
