So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
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