Screwed.edu
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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