I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
We climaxed at the same time during ain't no mountain high enough. Does it get more cheesy or domestic for a non relationship?
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
