I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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