i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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