peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
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