Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
I fill condoms, not promises.
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
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