Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
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