Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
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