He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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