How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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